


지켜줄게 너의 모든 날에

by yoonjeonghan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Graphic descriptions of suicide, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Soonyoung has ADHD, Weddings, a bit rushed bc i wrote this in 2 hours, bss best friends trio, slightly inspired by nell from hill house's story, soonyoung is just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27658904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonjeonghan/pseuds/yoonjeonghan
Summary: soonyoung just wants to feel safe. he always has, since he was a kid. it was the one thing he's never experienced before.or, in which soonyoung finds his family and his home for the first time in his life.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi
Kudos: 20





	지켜줄게 너의 모든 날에

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii!! i just wanna say that theres graphic mentions of suicide and self harm so please dont read if youre easily triggered :(
> 
> no one actually dies tho!! dont worry <333

ever since he was a kid, soonyoung just wanted to feel safe.

four times a year, he'd be face to face with death as it stared him in the eye. unblinking. unwavering. just pure, raw death, right in his face, looming over him like a shadow waiting to devour him.

it scared him at first. the thoughts in his head were so  _real_ and the way he genuinely felt as if he wouldn't regret what he'd do for a single moment simply shook him to the core.

he never thought of himself as someone who was capable of taking lives.

especially his own.

and yet there he was, curled up in the dark corner of his room at three in the morning, head in his hands and sobbing his eyes out. his vision was tainted red by the blood that threatened to spill from the slashes cut deep on his arms. and the pills that buried themselves inside his system. and the deafening sound of traffic from underneath the bridge he stood on.

soonyoung was thirteen when death first stepped foot into his world, and he had to face it alone.

some people said he matured too quickly. that he understood too much at such a young age from the amount of exposure he had. from the words his parents would call him whenever he came home with a report card that didn't fit their standards. from the almost-divorce his parents went through when he was eleven. or from the steady realization that he wasn't like other kids; they were loud, but he was so much louder. so loud that you'd hear him before you even saw him.

so loud, that from then on, the words he'd hear the most were "calm down" or "lower your voice".

so loud, that soonyoung wished he could stop it, but he just couldn't.

so loud, that it eventually drowned out everything else around him.

so loud, that in the end, that was all he was. loud, energetic kwon soonyoung. the one you'd hear before you see. the one who couldn't control himself. the one whose brain was wired differently, but no one would ever see that, right? no one ever does.

he was so loud and so unbearable, but his friends, seokmin and seungkwan, loved him just the same. loved him the way they loved their other friends. maybe even more.

but why? was it genuine? was it out of pity? was it because they had an ulterior motive? why did they love him so hard when nobody else did?

what was love, anyway, to soonyoung?

what was love to a boy who didn't even feel safe within even the walls of his house?

was it the cold embrace of his parents, who saw nothing in him but the numbers on his report card?

was it the content smile on his face whenever seokmin and seungkwan stayed by his side when things got rough?

or was it ultimately the hand that held his when he was at his lowest? the cold, lifeless hand of death, who was his only friend when the corner of his room was his only home?

it went on for the next two years. four times a year, every report card day, he'd come home with his head spinning and vision blurry. he would wait and wait and wait for the car horn of his dad's car; the harbinger of death. once he heard the horn, there it would be, right in front of him, with a smile as warm as hearth, but a hand as cold as ice.

an old friend, to soonyoung.

death, to him, over time, would come to be just an old friend.

* * *

at fifteen, soonyoung started his second year of highschool.

there, he met choi seungcheol, an upperclassman. strong. responsible. but above all?

he was safe.

well he wasn't, actually. not in the beginning, at least. their experiences were a year apart from each other's, so the table that stood in between them as they struggled to defend their own points represented that one year gap.

in the beginning, seungcheol was just some asshole kid he happened to meet in his second year of high school.

but over time, that would change.

as they grew, they explored each other more. seungcheol became his anchor, and it would remain that way for the next two years, even if he didn't know it. they'd ended up as the complete opposite of what they'd started off as that seokmin and seungkwan were beyond convinced that seungcheol may like him more than soonyoung thinks he does.

but to soonyoung, seungcheol was just safe. seungcheol was was a shield, and all soonyoung wanted was to feel protected.

soonyoung thought, seungcheol wasn't like most guys. he's funny, but he knows his limits. he's serious, but he knows how to have fun. he didn't snap at soonyoung when the days got bad. he didn't treat soonyoung like a time bomb ticking away.

seungcheol just treated him like a friend. like any other friend he'd have. seungcheol just saw soonyoung as...kwon soonyoung. the boy who feels alone even when he shouldn't. the boy who he stays up with at night, just to make sure he makes it to the next day.

soonyoung was just the boy who captured his heart at first sight.

days turned to weeks. weeks turned to months. months turned to years. people came and went, but seokmin and seungkwan stayed. seungcheol stayed. his family, that he'd made for himself, stayed.

one school day, seungcheol pulled him to a corner after school, where they'd be away from the prying eyes of the public.

"seungcheol, wha-"

"shh, soon, i have something to tell you," he'd say.

soonyoung felt his heart drop. he didn't expect this to come so soon. he closed his eyes, braced himself for the leaving, and tried to let it embrace him. he'd have to accept it. it'd lessen the pain, won't it? it's about time seungcheol left him anyway.

"i-i know that you wont believe me," seungcheol said, "i know you told me you often feel nothing. you'd tell me that, most nights. and that's okay."

"just say it, cheol," soonyoung whispered.

"w-well, i...i love you," seungcheol said, his voice barely above a whisper. "i love you so much that sometimes it hurts. it hurts that i know you're in so much pain all the time and i can't do anything about it."

seungcheol loved him.

"i love you like i've never loved anyone before. i love you, and i know we're only in highschool, but i think of spending the rest of my life with you and...i'd be okay with that."

seungcheol loved him.

"i know you're lonely, even when your parents are around.  _especially_ when your parents are around. i know you've always just wanted someone to sit with you and listen to you."

seungcheol loved him.

"i want to be that person, soonie. i love you. i have, for the longest time, and i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. i'm sorry if this pressures you, but i love you. so, so,  so fucking much soonyoung."

seungcheol loved him.

"i love you like a bird loves the air. i love you like a fish loves the sea. i'll love you until the world stops turning, and i swear even after that i won't leave."

"no you don't," soonyoung whispered shakily. "you don't love me. you can't. why?"

"i do," seungcheol repeated, "i love you, and i don't regret it. i love you, soonyoung. i love you. i mean it."

"no you don't, cheol, you don't. you don't. you just don't..."

but once again, "i do. i love you. i want to protect you. i want to be your umbrella during the rainy days. i want to be your spring during the winter. i want to protect you for all your days."

seungcheol loved him.

he loved seungcheol.

seungcheol was safe.

seungcheol would protect him.

and so soonyoung felt safe, for the first time in his life, in the arms of a boy he's loved since the beginning. he felt safe in the quiet hallway of his high school, with his tears soaking seungcheols shirt, but the older didn't mind. he stood there and held soonyoung in his arms for what felt like years. he rested his chin upon soonyoungs head, gently hushing him while he rubbed circles into his back.

seungcheol's got him. he was safe in his arms. he didn't know it back then, but from that moment on, he'd never feel unsafe again. he would never feel lonely ever again.

because on the night of their wedding, all soonyoung saw was white.

white from seungcheol's brother's wife and her friends. white from the walls that made up the wedding hall. white from the roses that sat in the golden vases arranged around the room.

soonyoung looked around, and there was no red.

just his love, and his friends. just them.

there was just seungcheol, and seokmin, and seungkwan, and for the first time in his life, all he felt was love.

for the first time in his life, he felt like he could breathe.

he felt seungcheol come up behind him and snake his arms around his waist. "hey lovie, you okay?"

soonyoung smiled, hands resting on top of seungcheols. "i'm just...so happy, cheol. i'm so happy."

at the actual wedding ceremony, it wasn't his dad who walked him to the front of the hall, but it was seokmin. with a toothy smile that radiated a light second to only the sun and eyes full of unshed tears held back by a dam, he accompanied soonyoung on what truly was the best day of his life.

and then at the altar, after seokmin left, soonyoung saw seungkwan. his smile was so wide that soonyoung had a hard time processing how his face muscles hadn't worn out yet. seungkwan mouthed "i'm proud of you" to him, and it took everything in soonyoung to not start crying then and there.

then, soonyoung turned to his left.

and he saw choi seungcheol.

the first time they met, there were on opposite sides of a table, arguing over something that soonyoung barely even remembered anymore.

now, he's dressed in his best suit, and so was soonyoung, and they were facing each other. they stood at the altar of a cathedral with their friends and family in the crowd, but all soonyoung saw was white; white for the purity of it all. until now, he was safe with seungcheol. the white hadn't been tainted by anything. it was just pure, innocent, untarnished white. it's seungcheols white. it always will be.

for the first time in his life, soonyoung doesn't see red even with his parents in the room. seungcheol held soonyoungs hands in his own, and soonyoung felt safe. with seungcheol; his rock, his anchor, his shield, his lifeline, his best friend, his  _world_ , he was safe.

at the party too, where hundreds more than those present at the cathedral were gathered in a hall, helping themselves to the food that had been prepared for them. soonyoung sat with seungcheol, overseeing the event. he watched as seungcheol caught a few familiar faces in the crowd and sent them a quick wave. in this light, seungcheol was gorgeous, soonyoung thought. the light from the grand chandelier hanging on the ceiling illuminated his face perfectly, and even with the make up, soonyoung saw all the little scars and flaws on his skin.

and he loved him just the same.

seungcheol was his, and he was seungcheol's. nothing could take that away from either of them.

when they moved into their new home, a little apartment in the heart of the city, just as they'd always talked about when they were kids, they opened a bottle of champagne in celebration. their stuff was barely unpacked; boxes were still lying around the floor, various items inside them, but seungcheol grabbed two mugs and poured the drink into them.

they're not fancy, skinny champage glasses you'd see in the movies. no, they couldn't afford those yet. all they had was white, worn out mugs they've had since their respective college dorm days.

but they also had each other.

so on their secondhand leather couch, seungcheol held soonyoung in his arms as they drank champage out of thick mugs, hidden away under a soft blanket with a cheesy romcom on the television. soonyoung could hear the lively noises of the city underneath them, and for the first time in his life, he felt like he was at home. there, in his apartment, in seungcheols arms. 

he was home.

death would no longer knock on his door four times a year, sending him into a downwards spiral almost everytime.

death would no longer loom over him like a shadow waiting to devour him.

death, however, would always be an old friend, but soonyoung had learned to stop fearing it when he was only twelve.

and now, he'll never have to face it ever again.

because seungcheol's got him. seokmin and seungkwan's got him. soonyoung found his own home while wandering under death's shadow, and eventually, he was pulled right out of it. pulled out of the darkness and into the light, where he found the love he'd always deserved.

and now,  he's at home, and at peace, for the first time in his life, and it will stay that way, until the day that the world ceases to go on comes.

**Author's Note:**

> for my love, who may not be my ending, but was the most beautiful beginning i could have ever asked for.


End file.
